Tag Archives: Debbie Schlussel

Harsh Criticism

When you’re someone important such as an Internet humorist or President of the United States, every once in a while, you have to respond to harsh criticism. Unless you’re a FoxNews pundit, like Bill O’Reilly or Glenn Beck. Then you don’t “respond” so much as you just shout at your critics to shut up and cut their mics if they don’t. However, when you’re an Internet humorist, you don’t get any harsh criticism because no one really cares about anything you have to say, so you have no choice but to make up some harsh criticism of your own.

Q: In your January 7th article about some guy named Rod Blagosomethingorother who only people in Illinois cares about, you reported a glaring inaccuracy. You mentioned that the town of Jenkinsburg, GA was momentarily commandeered by a man calling himself Jorgo the Wonked. I have lived in Jenkinsburg, GA my whole life, and to my recollection, nobody named “Jorgo” ever “commandeered” this town. He was actually narrowly voted in because we felt he’d do a slightly better job at running the town than his opponent, who was a goat. Please correct this error.

A: In all honesty, I didn’t think anybody would catch that because I made the assumption that the town of Jenkinsburg, GA probably didn’t have working Internet, or newspapers, or electricity. Thank you for bringing this oversight to my attention. In the future, I will do my best to research important facts about small towns before publishing an article, such as whether or not they do, in fact, have working Internet.

Q: On January 28, you said that Wintember used to be one of your favorite months, but I’m pretty sure there’s no such thing. I can’t find it on any calendar.

A: Wintember is actually a three-month period consisting of September, October, November, December, January, February, March, and Winter.

Q: In your column about Groundhog Day, you reported that the tradition was based on the observance of Candlemass, a gothic heavy metal band. The celebration that the tradition was based on was actually called “Candlemas,” with one “s,” like “Christmas.” What I want to know is: Is it “Groundhog Day” or “Groundhog’s Day”? Which is right?

A: Actually, Candlemass is a doom metal band, not gothic metal band. I felt the average reader, or “layreader,” might not be familiar enough with the more obscure subgenres of heavy metal to automatically recognize doom metal as opposed to the more common gothic metal. Gothic metal includes of bands like Type O Negative and Lacuna Coil, whereas doom metal consists of bands most people have never heard of.

Q: Back in January, you wrote something about William Harrison being a grizzly bear. I don’t mean to question the extent of your knowledge of American history, but I’m fairly certain that I don’t know who William Harrison was.

A: According to Wikipedia, William Harrison was the ninth President of the United States of America, serving I’m pretty certain sometime before 1980, when the order, dates, and names of the various presidents get confusing for anyone too lazy to care. Upon taking office, his first order of business, during the critical First 100 Days, was to get sick and die. This led to the ratification of the 25th Amendment, which states that the current between two points is inversely proportional to the resistance. Wikipedia lists nothing to dispute that William Harrison was, in fact, a grizzly bear.

Q: IN UR MUSIC HISOTRY COLLUM U WROTE THAT BENJIMAN FRANKLIN INVENTED RECORDING EQUIPMENT DISCOVERED AMERICA PAINTED TEH MONA LISA AND INVETNED THE INTERNET, YOUR WRONG HA HA AL GORE INVENTEND THE INTERNET STUPED!!@!

A: Based on my memory of high school American history, Benjamin Franklin lived for at least 300 years and pretty much invented everything because pretty much all they talked about was how great Benjamin Franklin was.

Q: I believe I discovered a misquote in your awesome and completely accurate criticism of Debbie Schlussel last week. You quoted her as writing: “And we all know what happened after they drank he purple Kool-Aid.” Shouldn’t you have typed “the purple Kool-Aid”? She doesn’t need any help to look like a terrible writer.

A: You’re right, but unfortunately, I didn’t actually type out the quote. You see, computers have this cool feature. All you have to do is highlight a block of text and press CTRL+C to copy it, and CTRL+V to paste it somewhere else, and as long as you properly attribute the block of text, it can fill word-space without being considered plagiarism. This tip also works really well for college papers. So anything I quoted appeared exactly as it was originally written.

Q: Ha ha! You’d think she’d proofread her articles before submitting them for publication!

A: Yes, and not only that, but also bear in mind that this is all just opinion for the purpose of satire!

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Blozor Does Debbie

If you enjoyed the movie Watchmen, your mother deserves to be raped.

This is not my opinion; this is something that Conservative columnist Debbie Schlussel stated in a recent review of the film. (To read it, simply enter the words “Debbie,” “Schlussel,” and “Watchmen” into the nearest Google Search Engine.) Now, I am going to extend the basic journalistic courtesy from one columnist to another by refraining from using terms like “total whack job” or “completely [BLEEP]ing insane” to describe her. I shall refrain from suggesting that Schlussel’s shallow and ignorant shock value statements are nothing more than an apparent attempt to replace Ann Coulter, who faded into obscurity after becoming a voter liability. I am also not going to use words like “shallow,” “ignorant,” or “shock value” to describe Schlussel’s statements. Such insinuations would be beneath me.

Nor am I going to point out the obvious fact that the name of her syndicated column, “Debbie Does Politics,” is a play on the title of probably the most famous pornographic movie of all time. To imagine her saying something like “Oh, Senator Hardwick, what a big caucus you have!” would certainly be below my journalistic standards, and I am not going to stoop to such levels in this column. No sir!

I would much prefer to avoid negative remarks such as these, which I must emphatically state, for the purpose of clarification, cannot be considered libel if they’re either matters of opinion or true facts. For instance, it would be a matter of opinion to state that I think someone who named her column after a famous pornographic movie is probably not the most qualified authority to dictate what is and is not obscene. It would also be a matter of opinion to state, if it wouldn’t be absolutely beneath me to make such an accusation, that she obsesses over the movie’s few brief displays of non-sexualized male genitalia with a passion that would make a person wonder if things are all right for her at home.

It would be closer to fact to say that Schlussel’s review of Watchmen reads like a poorly researched junior high book report on a book she didn’t read, or that she writes professional sounding statements that only a fourteen-year-old girl could generate: “Wow, isn’t that cool that they got it wrong on purpose? I’m so amazed at this ‘high-brow art’ of deliberately getting dates and timelines wrong, you know, just to be ‘artistic,’ and get the drooling of the critics. That is sooooo genius. Like way totally cool.” On second thought, that may be going too far. I’m sure there are many teenage girls out there who are far better writers than Debbie Schlussel.

Debbie Schlussel jumped on the chance to insult an incredibly popular movie with a large cult following to get herself noticed with about as much tact as a schizophrenic ripping her shirt open on a busy street corner and shouting “I SEE PENISES!!” She feigns outrage at the abundant graphic violence against convicted felons and child killers throughout the movie, despite commenting on the upcoming Tarantino film Inglorious Basterds that, “I’ll never be disturbed by seeing Nazis hacked to death.” She says nothing to condemn the brutal slaying of two lesbian lovers depicted in the movie, so long as no one has to explain to their child what a “lesbian” or a “whore” is. If one wanted to be so bold, one might conclude that, it’s not the violence or gore that Debbie Schlussel has a problem with as long as it’s directed toward those she deems worthy.

Her original review of the movie received a lot of attention from people who had major problems with it, the most glaring of which being that it was written by an idiot. (Ha ha! That is simply some good-natured ribbing from one humorist to another, and certainly in no way intended as a malicious comment!) This prompted Debbie to write an entire second article to address the apparent fact that her mind had snapped like a dry twig.

For her encore, she whips out her thesaurus leaving no synonym for “moron” untouched and enthusiastically calls for the mass genocide of everyone who enjoyed the movie: “The e-mails they send me and the comments they make … reminds me of the blind statements of followers of Jim Jones. And we all know what happened after they drank he purple Kool-Aid. If only this movie could achieve that result, it would be the most fantastic exercise in natural selection ever conducted in America.”

This is where she states that if you enjoyed the movie Watchmen, “maybe your sister should be fed to dogs and your mother raped and your brother should have his arms sawed off.”

Someone should remind her that it is just a movie, and as such, it doesn’t pose nearly the same threat as the blind followers of her destructive hate speech.