Category Archives: Politics

Blozor Does Debbie

If you enjoyed the movie Watchmen, your mother deserves to be raped.

This is not my opinion; this is something that Conservative columnist Debbie Schlussel stated in a recent review of the film. (To read it, simply enter the words “Debbie,” “Schlussel,” and “Watchmen” into the nearest Google Search Engine.) Now, I am going to extend the basic journalistic courtesy from one columnist to another by refraining from using terms like “total whack job” or “completely [BLEEP]ing insane” to describe her. I shall refrain from suggesting that Schlussel’s shallow and ignorant shock value statements are nothing more than an apparent attempt to replace Ann Coulter, who faded into obscurity after becoming a voter liability. I am also not going to use words like “shallow,” “ignorant,” or “shock value” to describe Schlussel’s statements. Such insinuations would be beneath me.

Nor am I going to point out the obvious fact that the name of her syndicated column, “Debbie Does Politics,” is a play on the title of probably the most famous pornographic movie of all time. To imagine her saying something like “Oh, Senator Hardwick, what a big caucus you have!” would certainly be below my journalistic standards, and I am not going to stoop to such levels in this column. No sir!

I would much prefer to avoid negative remarks such as these, which I must emphatically state, for the purpose of clarification, cannot be considered libel if they’re either matters of opinion or true facts. For instance, it would be a matter of opinion to state that I think someone who named her column after a famous pornographic movie is probably not the most qualified authority to dictate what is and is not obscene. It would also be a matter of opinion to state, if it wouldn’t be absolutely beneath me to make such an accusation, that she obsesses over the movie’s few brief displays of non-sexualized male genitalia with a passion that would make a person wonder if things are all right for her at home.

It would be closer to fact to say that Schlussel’s review of Watchmen reads like a poorly researched junior high book report on a book she didn’t read, or that she writes professional sounding statements that only a fourteen-year-old girl could generate: “Wow, isn’t that cool that they got it wrong on purpose? I’m so amazed at this ‘high-brow art’ of deliberately getting dates and timelines wrong, you know, just to be ‘artistic,’ and get the drooling of the critics. That is sooooo genius. Like way totally cool.” On second thought, that may be going too far. I’m sure there are many teenage girls out there who are far better writers than Debbie Schlussel.

Debbie Schlussel jumped on the chance to insult an incredibly popular movie with a large cult following to get herself noticed with about as much tact as a schizophrenic ripping her shirt open on a busy street corner and shouting “I SEE PENISES!!” She feigns outrage at the abundant graphic violence against convicted felons and child killers throughout the movie, despite commenting on the upcoming Tarantino film Inglorious Basterds that, “I’ll never be disturbed by seeing Nazis hacked to death.” She says nothing to condemn the brutal slaying of two lesbian lovers depicted in the movie, so long as no one has to explain to their child what a “lesbian” or a “whore” is. If one wanted to be so bold, one might conclude that, it’s not the violence or gore that Debbie Schlussel has a problem with as long as it’s directed toward those she deems worthy.

Her original review of the movie received a lot of attention from people who had major problems with it, the most glaring of which being that it was written by an idiot. (Ha ha! That is simply some good-natured ribbing from one humorist to another, and certainly in no way intended as a malicious comment!) This prompted Debbie to write an entire second article to address the apparent fact that her mind had snapped like a dry twig.

For her encore, she whips out her thesaurus leaving no synonym for “moron” untouched and enthusiastically calls for the mass genocide of everyone who enjoyed the movie: “The e-mails they send me and the comments they make … reminds me of the blind statements of followers of Jim Jones. And we all know what happened after they drank he purple Kool-Aid. If only this movie could achieve that result, it would be the most fantastic exercise in natural selection ever conducted in America.”

This is where she states that if you enjoyed the movie Watchmen, “maybe your sister should be fed to dogs and your mother raped and your brother should have his arms sawed off.”

Someone should remind her that it is just a movie, and as such, it doesn’t pose nearly the same threat as the blind followers of her destructive hate speech.

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Beating A Dead Infrastructure

When you talk about the economy, you can’t just throw around big words without knowing what they mean or pretty soon people will get wise to the fact that you don’t know what you’re talking about, and they will stop trusting you for investment advice. “Use the word ‘infrastructure’ in a sentence,” they will challenge. You can’t just make something up. You can’t say something like, “Whenever I yawn I get a sharp pain right in my infrastructure” because your doctor will know you’re faking. You need to come up with a professional sounding economic statement like: “We need buttloads of infrastructures.”

This is exactly the message President Obama sent to the American people during his first State of the Union Address, aptly titled “Buttloads of Infrastructures.” During his address, he promised to “stimulate” the economy by taking it out to a fancy dinner, followed by a nice romantic movie such as Wall Street starring Michael Douglas, and concluding the evening with Champaign and intimate conversation back at his place. Okay, not really. He really pledged to “stimulate” the economy by throwing tons more money and infrastructures at it until it retreats, satisfied, back into its bog for another eighty years.

This is basically the exact same thing the Republicans have been doing for the past thirty years, yet somehow the Republicans suddenly have a problem with it now that it’s a Democrat doing it. No Republican was more concerned with Obama’s economic plan than Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, who was tasked with responding to the President’s address. During his response, Governor Jindal hit upon many important points such as:

  1. President Obama is not, as far as anyone can tell, a Republican.
  2. We should Care Bear Stare the economy back to life.
  3. What the hell is a “volcano,” and why should we “monitor” one?
  4. The Republican Party would like to earn back America’s trust.

By way of emphasizing that last point about the Republican Party earning back America’s trust, it turns out that the story Governor Jindal told, wherein he stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Jefferson Sheriff Harry Lee while evacuating Hurricane Katrina survivors — a cornerstone of his speech — was completely false. He was nowhere near Jefferson Parish at the time of the flooding, and he only heard about Sheriff Harry Lee’s courageous story second-hand a few days after it had happened. Still, Jindal’s response was not nearly as disastrous as a response Illinois Governor Rod “Milorad” Blagojevich once gave to a President Bush speech, wherein Blagojevich declared himself the Supreme Ruler of Awesome and tried for a good five minutes to fly out of the Illinois Capital Building, only to claim that he wasn’t flying because he decided he didn’t want to and skulk out of the room.

We are already beginning to see the Republican response to the economic stimulus package they voted for recently, now that they have a chance to actually start reading it. (“Roads? What is wrong with the roads we already have? What this economy needs to create jobs here at home is more lead-filled pharmaceuticals that are made in China!” “Forget that! Let’s put salmonella in everything!“) The Republicans are also highly critical of a plan to build a high-speed magnetic rail system because they fear it will lead directly to legalized abortion, which they believe is only justified in extreme cases where the baby runs a high risk of being born gay.

The only thing Republicans and Democrats can readily agree on is that stubbornly refusing to compromise on any position is the only possible thing that can fix the economy. For instance, the Republicans still somehow believe that the markets don’t need regulation even though we’ve already seen that (a) greedy people are not all that trustworthy and (b) deregulation is exactly what got us into this mess in the first place. By contrast, the Democrats firmly believe that what the economy needs is more infrastructures. That’s why President Obama is handing them out like it’s a year-end clearance blowout sale on infrastructures and everything must go.

It turns out that none of our politicians really know how to fix our economy because not even they really know how the economy works. No one knows how the economy works. Economic analysts don’t even know how the economy works; all they do is describe what the economy is doing right at this exact moment, using big words like “infrastructure.” (“It appears the Dow Jones is continuing to plunge so I would recommend moving all of your assets into heavily fortified infrastructures.”) Myself, I am going to go find me some volcanoes and monitor the heck out of them.

Filled With Hope, Or Change, Or Something

In November of 2008, America recognized a historic milestone when, after struggling through decades of adversity and strife, Axl Rose finally released a new Guns ‘N’ Roses album. The general consensus was that it could have been better.

This event was narrowly overshadowed by a major breakthrough in civil rights when Americans realized that a black man can be every bit as capable of ruining our country as stodgy, old white men have proven to be for the past two centuries. Yesterday, the day after we honored one of our most important civil rights leaders, Barack Obama officially became the 44th President of the United States.

This triumph comes not without its fair share of controversy, however. A small number of disillusioned citizens are working diligently to prove that Barack Obama is not actually a naturally born American citizen since most people don’t technically consider Hawaii a state. I don’t think these people fully comprehend the dire social consequences of this accusation. I mean, Oprah Winfrey cried when Barack Obama was elected, and every single time Oprah Winfrey discovers that she has cried in vain, someone awakens the next morning with an unexplained growth the size of a small dog. Besides, it’s not like this would be the first time we’ve had a president with questionable credentials. It’s rumored that Jimmy Carter is most likely some sort of space alien, and it’s widely acknowledged that William Harrison was, in fact, a grizzly bear.

Some people just cannot accept the fact that, despite the best efforts of FoxNews, a president was elected who was not a Republican. This is because after nearly 900 years of being in charge, the Republicans got too confident and careless. Rather than working to gain the public’s trust after an overall dissatisfying eight years, the Republican National Convention instead decided to base their entire platform on the assumption that voters are really, really, incredibly, stupid.

Granted this had worked well for them in the past, like when we elected George W. Bush for a second term even though he had a lower approval rating than ovarian cysts. This time, the Republicans reached deep into their talent pool and nominated John McCain, who battled the natural charisma of Barack Obama with all the charm of a confused grandfather in constant discovery of his own senility. John McCain’s campaign was run with all the grace and dignity of a three-ring circus crashing into an insane asylum.

John McCain’s candidacy peaked at the selection of Sarah Palin as his running mate. For the first few days, voters everywhere were keenly interested in downloading pictures of Sarah Palin in a bikini, but their interest quickly began to fade as soon as they realized that “VPILF” was not really funny. Many people directly blame Sarah Palin for John McCain’s loss, but I think it’s more that when John McCain wasn’t trying to connect with The People, he sounded like a cranky, old man yelling at kids to get off his lawn, and when did try to connect with The People, he talked like he was describing what they were wearing over the phone as he peered through their bedroom windows.

Probably anybody who has appeared in the news over the past eight or twenty years with an (R) and a state next to their name would have lost the election last year. The Democrats managed to capitalize on the general disapproval of Bush’s leadership by constructing a platform that consisted of more than not being a joke. The Republicans wisely chose to distance themselves from the unpopular Bush Administration by running their campaign the exact same way and promising to extend most of its policies.

Conversely, most people felt that Barack Obama ran an overall positive campaign because he smiled a lot. Unlike the Republicans, Barack Obama pledged that he would fix everything wrong with the world using Hope®©™, Change®©™, and Unity®©™. John McCain, on the other hand, was shocked to find out there even was anything wrong with the world, and had, in fact, chosen as his campaign slogan, “McCain / Palin: There is nothing wrong with the world, you fools!”

Barack Obama has a difficult road ahead of him. His approval ratings started to slip before he even took office, as the novelty of having elected America’s first partially minority president began to wear off. The rumors are still circulating that he’s secretly a Muslim, or a terrorist, or a Socialist, and that he’ll paint the White House black, enslave all white people, and prohibit embryonic stem cells from owning hunting rifles, but I’m sure he’ll overcome these rumors because they’re all stupid. The truth is Barack Obama won’t do any worse than any other president before him, or at least we Hope®©™.

The United States Of China

It has come to my attention, by way of people having more free time to panic in the streets during normal business hours, that the economy is coming to an end. This is being conveyed to us by grim-faced news anchors delivering important reports about politicians deeply concerned over business owners freaking out. Apparently people making $7.50 an hour are supposed to somehow care when people whose annual income starts at $300,000 suddenly start losing millions of dollars, instead of asking the obvious questions, like: “Where do these people get millions of dollars to lose?” “Are we supposed to be concerned that they can suddenly no longer afford the fourth mansion they were going to buy for their wife’s chihuahua?” and “Have fun eating generic Macaroni & Cheese every night! Ha ha!”

The middle class has never really understood how the economy works; we just always assumed the economy existed, somewhere up in the sky, where it looked down upon us and answered our prayers. We would go to work every day to earn money, and we would deposit that money into a bank, and we would withdraw that money when we wanted to buy something. The value of the dollar was determined by the amount of gold the government kept stockpiled. That is all we needed to know.

Of course, this was unacceptable after banks realized there weren’t nearly enough abstract concepts involved to keep the middle class thoroughly confused, so banks invented credit. Now, if you want to buy something expensive like a car or a house or gasoline, instead of waiting for a family member to die and pass theirs on to you, you can buy it with money you don’t actually have based on how interesting the bank finds you. The government still has gold stockpiled, but now our economy is based on how confident people are that our country has more money than any other country.

Despite the fact that nobody understood anything anybody said about the economy, we were assured that everything would be fine as long as no one pays any attention to it. This idea worked great for several decades until the Liberal News Media started dedicating entire cable channels to scaring the middle class with reports on things like the stock market and investment bankers and all of our jobs going overseas. All of a sudden, people started hearing about the economy, and this frightened them because they had cut economics class in high school to smoke weed behind the auto shop building.

Back in the mid-Nineties, or maybe the mid-Eighties, or the upper-Thirties, or the Cretaceous Period, the stock market was deregulated. No one is really sure whose fault this was, but everybody can agree that it was definitely not them. Somewhere along the line, one of our politicians decided that rich people would be responsible with our money if there were no laws governing them, and that politician managed to convince others that rich people are in no way greedy. This directly led to the criminal indictments of many rich people for being irresponsible with our money because they were greedy.

As a result of the deregulation, banks started approving mortgages for anybody who applied, regardless of whether they had collateral, money, jobs, social security numbers, or were in fact dogs. These were called “adjustable rate mortgages,” which literally meant that the bank could adjust the rate of the mortgage to any amount they wanted. Suddenly the borrowers found themselves owing upwards of $137 million per month, which they couldn’t seem to pay. Totally unprepared for such an unexpected event, many of the banks collapsed. In a controversial move, the government gave the banks $700 billion dollars to pay their CEOs’ yearly bonuses.

Then the auto industry failed because their business strategy hinged on making cars that no one wanted to buy, and they requested a massive government bailout package on the grounds that the banks got one for being financially inept, and so should they. So the auto industry got their bailout package, and so will every other corporation in America until we officially become the United States of China. However, individual consumers are not eligible to receive a bailout package because we are expected to be responsible with our money.

We need to be concerned about the plight of the rich, though, because they have vowed that, if they go down, they’re taking everyone else with them. So when Sally Struthers asks you to open your heart and your wallet against a backdrop of “Happy Christmas (War Is Over),” please donate whatever you can. Remember, you can feed a starving Wall Street investor for only the price of a midsize sedan a day.

Hey Rod Blagojevich: No One Likes You!

When Illinois Governor Rod Blajo Blagoi Blagoveji Blagojevich was arrested in December under charges of corruption, criminal conspiracy, bribery, and faud, shocked and appalled residents responded with a resounding “It’s about time!

I was beginning to wonder just how criminal the guy would have to get before someone would finally do something about it. Seriously, if he got caught selling kidnapped Illinois schoolchildren to pharmaceutical companies for dangerous chemical testing, it seemed like policing agencies would just shrug and say, “That’s our Rod!” and everyone would just enjoy a hearty laugh into fade-out.

I’m sure those of you not living in Illinois are wondering how we could have voted for such an inept governor, not once, but twice. On behalf of the entire state of Illinois, I offer this elaborate defense: I have no idea! I wasn’t living in Illinois while all of this was going on, and my entire knowledge of state politics was basically reduced to: Abraham Lincoln came from Illinois, didn’t he? For ten years, the only Illinois politician I knew of was Jesse White, who gained my emphatic support by approving me to both drive and vote.

As near as I can tell, Rod Blagojevich became the governor because people in Illinois are stupid. Before Rod Blagojevich became the governor, Illinois had a different governor named George Ryan who figured that no harm could come of giving people licenses to drive semi trucks regardless of whether they were qualified to drive semi trucks, as long as they didn’t use the licenses to actually drive semi trucks. Naturally, no one could have predicted that these people would, in fact, use their licenses to drive semi trucks, which ultimately resulted in the deaths of six schoolchildren. The people of Illinois were appropriately outraged, and George Ryan appropriately resigned in shame, was indicted, and incarcerated.

This was probably not the best time to be a gubernatorial candidate named Jim Ryan. This confused the people of Illinois because Jim Ryan was obviously George Ryan with a very poor alias. Rod Blagojevich capitalized on this opportunity by pointing out that, unlike George Ryan and Jim Ryan, his last name is unpronounceable. Fed up with stodgy, old Republicans named Ryan, people of Illinois voted for the guy who looked like a Muppet with his hair escaping down the front of his face. This was, in fact, George Ryan in disguise.

Rod Blagojevich immediately set forth his agenda to prove, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he is the most idiotic, most corrupt, and most downright insane politician to hold a public office since the town of Jenkinsburg, GA was momentarily commandeered by a man calling himself Jorgo the Wonked. With the 2006 conviction of George Ryan fresh on people’s minds, Blagojevich easily defeated George Ryan’s Treasury Secretary, Judy Baar Topinka. She was, in fact, el chupacabra in disguise.

Fewer people in Illinois like Rod Blagojevich than people in the country like George W. Bush. His approval rating is sitting at a very firm 1. Not 1%, mind you, but actually 1, as in the only person who doesn’t think Rod Blagojevich is a complete nutcase is Rod Blagojevich. At this point, I’m willing to bet even his wife is contemplating what her life would have been like with someone a little more balanced, like Axl Rose or Charles Manson.

Rod Blagojevich allowed the phone lines in his office to be wiretapped claiming that he has nothing to hide. He then openly discussed his illicit activities over the phone lines that he knew to be tapped. He responded to the overwhelming evidence against him by declaring that he has done nothing wrong, and that he will fight, fight, fight. The people of Illinois responded by telling him, in no uncertain terms, “Hey Rod Blagojevich: No one likes you!”

Rod Blagojevich countered by sticking his fingers in his ears and declaring: “La-la-la, I can’t heeeaaarrr yooouuu!!”

His argument is that he was elected to serve the will of the people of Illinois. The people of Illinois have elected him to do a job and he will continue to do that job, even if the people of Illinois don’t want him to do it anymore. At one point, I heard one news anchor pose the question, “What’s next for the people of Illinois?”

That’s simple. We’ll find the next most insane politician in the state and make that person the governor! Isn’t that pretty much a given at this point? Who knows; we might even give Jorgo a shot at it.