Harsh Criticism

When you’re someone important such as an Internet humorist or President of the United States, every once in a while, you have to respond to harsh criticism. Unless you’re a FoxNews pundit, like Bill O’Reilly or Glenn Beck. Then you don’t “respond” so much as you just shout at your critics to shut up and cut their mics if they don’t. However, when you’re an Internet humorist, you don’t get any harsh criticism because no one really cares about anything you have to say, so you have no choice but to make up some harsh criticism of your own.

Q: In your January 7th article about some guy named Rod Blagosomethingorother who only people in Illinois cares about, you reported a glaring inaccuracy. You mentioned that the town of Jenkinsburg, GA was momentarily commandeered by a man calling himself Jorgo the Wonked. I have lived in Jenkinsburg, GA my whole life, and to my recollection, nobody named “Jorgo” ever “commandeered” this town. He was actually narrowly voted in because we felt he’d do a slightly better job at running the town than his opponent, who was a goat. Please correct this error.

A: In all honesty, I didn’t think anybody would catch that because I made the assumption that the town of Jenkinsburg, GA probably didn’t have working Internet, or newspapers, or electricity. Thank you for bringing this oversight to my attention. In the future, I will do my best to research important facts about small towns before publishing an article, such as whether or not they do, in fact, have working Internet.

Q: On January 28, you said that Wintember used to be one of your favorite months, but I’m pretty sure there’s no such thing. I can’t find it on any calendar.

A: Wintember is actually a three-month period consisting of September, October, November, December, January, February, March, and Winter.

Q: In your column about Groundhog Day, you reported that the tradition was based on the observance of Candlemass, a gothic heavy metal band. The celebration that the tradition was based on was actually called “Candlemas,” with one “s,” like “Christmas.” What I want to know is: Is it “Groundhog Day” or “Groundhog’s Day”? Which is right?

A: Actually, Candlemass is a doom metal band, not gothic metal band. I felt the average reader, or “layreader,” might not be familiar enough with the more obscure subgenres of heavy metal to automatically recognize doom metal as opposed to the more common gothic metal. Gothic metal includes of bands like Type O Negative and Lacuna Coil, whereas doom metal consists of bands most people have never heard of.

Q: Back in January, you wrote something about William Harrison being a grizzly bear. I don’t mean to question the extent of your knowledge of American history, but I’m fairly certain that I don’t know who William Harrison was.

A: According to Wikipedia, William Harrison was the ninth President of the United States of America, serving I’m pretty certain sometime before 1980, when the order, dates, and names of the various presidents get confusing for anyone too lazy to care. Upon taking office, his first order of business, during the critical First 100 Days, was to get sick and die. This led to the ratification of the 25th Amendment, which states that the current between two points is inversely proportional to the resistance. Wikipedia lists nothing to dispute that William Harrison was, in fact, a grizzly bear.


A: Based on my memory of high school American history, Benjamin Franklin lived for at least 300 years and pretty much invented everything because pretty much all they talked about was how great Benjamin Franklin was.

Q: I believe I discovered a misquote in your awesome and completely accurate criticism of Debbie Schlussel last week. You quoted her as writing: “And we all know what happened after they drank he purple Kool-Aid.” Shouldn’t you have typed “the purple Kool-Aid”? She doesn’t need any help to look like a terrible writer.

A: You’re right, but unfortunately, I didn’t actually type out the quote. You see, computers have this cool feature. All you have to do is highlight a block of text and press CTRL+C to copy it, and CTRL+V to paste it somewhere else, and as long as you properly attribute the block of text, it can fill word-space without being considered plagiarism. This tip also works really well for college papers. So anything I quoted appeared exactly as it was originally written.

Q: Ha ha! You’d think she’d proofread her articles before submitting them for publication!

A: Yes, and not only that, but also bear in mind that this is all just opinion for the purpose of satire!


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