You know how they say certain people, such as George W. Bush, should never be handed a job just because their father is important? Ten years ago, a coal mine collapsed because the owner’s son, Tom Hanniger, forgot to do his job and bleed the methane lines. This trapped several miners. All were found murdered by pickaxe except Harry Warden who was in a coma. Exactly one year later, Harry Warden awakened and killed everyone in the hospital. The two oldest cops in the world investigate.
HINCH: I think I waited too long to retire.
BURKE: You and me both, Hinch. Who did this?
HINCH: Harry Warden.
BURKE: Harry Warden’s in a coma.
HINCH: Oh, I’m sorry, do you see him somewhere? Is he one of the dismembered corpses? Maybe he’s the butchered woman lying on his bed. You’re right; the homicidal maniac who is currently missing couldn’t have done all this because he’s still in a coma. 900 years of being a cop, and this is the best theory you can come up with.
IRENE: We’re a bunch of stupid teenagers! Let’s go into this coal mine where a bunch of people were murdered and get drunk and have sex!
AXEL: Great! That doesn’t sound like a horror movie cliché at all!
SARAH: Tom, are you sure you’re okay having drunken sex in the very coal mine where you killed several of your coworkers?
TOM: No, I’m fine with it, I swear. In fact, I’m so fine with it I’m going to hang out in my truck, alone, while you party with your drunken friends.
Harry Warden starts killing all the drunken teenagers in the coal mine. Tom runs to Sarah’s rescue, but discovers that he fights like an imbecile. The town’s crack crimefighting duo of Strom Thurmond and Methuselah charge in and save Tom, then chase Harry Warden deeper into the mine.
TEN YEARS LATER.
Axel becomes a sheriff. Sarah becomes Axel’s wife. Megan becomes pregnant with Axel’s kid. The guy who played Big Love on House becomes the only black person in the town. Hinch and Burke somehow become even older. Irene becomes a murder victim.
TOM: Hi. I’ve come back to sell my father’s coal mine.
SARAH: You’ve been gone for ten years. I married Axel. We had a kid together. What have you been up to?
TOM: Certainly not acting lessons.
SARAH: Don’t sell the coal mine. This town is supported by that coal mine, and the other company will just move it someplace else.
TOM: Then it’s agreed. I won’t sell the coal mine.
AXEL: More people are being murdered! Some of them aren’t even essential to the plot! All signs point to Harry Warden, so it’s obviously Tom Hanniger because his return is threatening the marriage I’m neglecting!
TOM: I saw Harry Warden kill a guy in the mine. No one else saw him, but you believe me, right?
AXEL: Harry Warden is dead, and by the way, I married your old girlfriend. We had a kid together. Also, I don’t like you.
MEGAN: I am so totally not sleeping with your husband.
SARAH: That’s cool. We need to close the store and go home early before Harry Warden kills us.
MEGAN: Oh no! It’s Harry Warden! He pulled me out the window! Now I’m dead, so I’ll shut up now!
AXEL: Harry Warden has killed the other ten people living in this town besides us! That only leaves Tom Hanniger as the prime suspect.
SARAH: I’m headed out to an abandoned cabin in the woods with Tom right now!
AXEL: Whatever you do, don’t go to that cabin!
SARAH: Okay, I’ll run away to the abandoned mine shaft instead! Harry Warden will never find me where he lives!
AXEL: Good plan; I’ll meet you there!
AXEL: Sarah, Tom is Harry Warden! Shoot him!
TOM: Sarah, Axel is a stupid name. Shoot him.
AXEL: Shoot us both, just to be sure!
TOM: The writing on the wall above Megan’s body was the same message in the Valentine’s card Axel got from Megan. He’s Harry Warden.
SARAH: Wait, you weren’t there when Megan was killed. How do you know what was written above her body? Don’t worry; I won’t take the clear shot at your head until you answer the question.
AXEL: Oh no! Instead of answering your question, Tom gutted me with a pickaxe! I don’t understand why you won’t just shoot him! He’s standing three feet away from you!
SARAH: I’ll shoot at him five times while he’s running away and miss!
The mine blows up in a series of revealing flashbacks.
They never explain why Tom Hanniger became Harry Warden.
Maybe in the sequel.