In November of 2008, America recognized a historic milestone when, after struggling through decades of adversity and strife, Axl Rose finally released a new Guns ‘N’ Roses album. The general consensus was that it could have been better.
This event was narrowly overshadowed by a major breakthrough in civil rights when Americans realized that a black man can be every bit as capable of ruining our country as stodgy, old white men have proven to be for the past two centuries. Yesterday, the day after we honored one of our most important civil rights leaders, Barack Obama officially became the 44th President of the United States.
This triumph comes not without its fair share of controversy, however. A small number of disillusioned citizens are working diligently to prove that Barack Obama is not actually a naturally born American citizen since most people don’t technically consider Hawaii a state. I don’t think these people fully comprehend the dire social consequences of this accusation. I mean, Oprah Winfrey cried when Barack Obama was elected, and every single time Oprah Winfrey discovers that she has cried in vain, someone awakens the next morning with an unexplained growth the size of a small dog. Besides, it’s not like this would be the first time we’ve had a president with questionable credentials. It’s rumored that Jimmy Carter is most likely some sort of space alien, and it’s widely acknowledged that William Harrison was, in fact, a grizzly bear.
Some people just cannot accept the fact that, despite the best efforts of FoxNews, a president was elected who was not a Republican. This is because after nearly 900 years of being in charge, the Republicans got too confident and careless. Rather than working to gain the public’s trust after an overall dissatisfying eight years, the Republican National Convention instead decided to base their entire platform on the assumption that voters are really, really, incredibly, stupid.
Granted this had worked well for them in the past, like when we elected George W. Bush for a second term even though he had a lower approval rating than ovarian cysts. This time, the Republicans reached deep into their talent pool and nominated John McCain, who battled the natural charisma of Barack Obama with all the charm of a confused grandfather in constant discovery of his own senility. John McCain’s campaign was run with all the grace and dignity of a three-ring circus crashing into an insane asylum.
John McCain’s candidacy peaked at the selection of Sarah Palin as his running mate. For the first few days, voters everywhere were keenly interested in downloading pictures of Sarah Palin in a bikini, but their interest quickly began to fade as soon as they realized that “VPILF” was not really funny. Many people directly blame Sarah Palin for John McCain’s loss, but I think it’s more that when John McCain wasn’t trying to connect with The People, he sounded like a cranky, old man yelling at kids to get off his lawn, and when did try to connect with The People, he talked like he was describing what they were wearing over the phone as he peered through their bedroom windows.
Probably anybody who has appeared in the news over the past eight or twenty years with an (R) and a state next to their name would have lost the election last year. The Democrats managed to capitalize on the general disapproval of Bush’s leadership by constructing a platform that consisted of more than not being a joke. The Republicans wisely chose to distance themselves from the unpopular Bush Administration by running their campaign the exact same way and promising to extend most of its policies.
Conversely, most people felt that Barack Obama ran an overall positive campaign because he smiled a lot. Unlike the Republicans, Barack Obama pledged that he would fix everything wrong with the world using Hope®©™, Change®©™, and Unity®©™. John McCain, on the other hand, was shocked to find out there even was anything wrong with the world, and had, in fact, chosen as his campaign slogan, “McCain / Palin: There is nothing wrong with the world, you fools!”
Barack Obama has a difficult road ahead of him. His approval ratings started to slip before he even took office, as the novelty of having elected America’s first partially minority president began to wear off. The rumors are still circulating that he’s secretly a Muslim, or a terrorist, or a Socialist, and that he’ll paint the White House black, enslave all white people, and prohibit embryonic stem cells from owning hunting rifles, but I’m sure he’ll overcome these rumors because they’re all stupid. The truth is Barack Obama won’t do any worse than any other president before him, or at least we Hope®©™.