When Illinois Governor Rod
Blajo Blagoi Blagoveji Blagojevich was arrested in December under charges of corruption, criminal conspiracy, bribery, and faud, shocked and appalled residents responded with a resounding “It’s about time!”
I was beginning to wonder just how criminal the guy would have to get before someone would finally do something about it. Seriously, if he got caught selling kidnapped Illinois schoolchildren to pharmaceutical companies for dangerous chemical testing, it seemed like policing agencies would just shrug and say, “That’s our Rod!” and everyone would just enjoy a hearty laugh into fade-out.
I’m sure those of you not living in Illinois are wondering how we could have voted for such an inept governor, not once, but twice. On behalf of the entire state of Illinois, I offer this elaborate defense: I have no idea! I wasn’t living in Illinois while all of this was going on, and my entire knowledge of state politics was basically reduced to: Abraham Lincoln came from Illinois, didn’t he? For ten years, the only Illinois politician I knew of was Jesse White, who gained my emphatic support by approving me to both drive and vote.
As near as I can tell, Rod Blagojevich became the governor because people in Illinois are stupid. Before Rod Blagojevich became the governor, Illinois had a different governor named George Ryan who figured that no harm could come of giving people licenses to drive semi trucks regardless of whether they were qualified to drive semi trucks, as long as they didn’t use the licenses to actually drive semi trucks. Naturally, no one could have predicted that these people would, in fact, use their licenses to drive semi trucks, which ultimately resulted in the deaths of six schoolchildren. The people of Illinois were appropriately outraged, and George Ryan appropriately resigned in shame, was indicted, and incarcerated.
This was probably not the best time to be a gubernatorial candidate named Jim Ryan. This confused the people of Illinois because Jim Ryan was obviously George Ryan with a very poor alias. Rod Blagojevich capitalized on this opportunity by pointing out that, unlike George Ryan and Jim Ryan, his last name is unpronounceable. Fed up with stodgy, old Republicans named Ryan, people of Illinois voted for the guy who looked like a Muppet with his hair escaping down the front of his face. This was, in fact, George Ryan in disguise.
Rod Blagojevich immediately set forth his agenda to prove, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he is the most idiotic, most corrupt, and most downright insane politician to hold a public office since the town of Jenkinsburg, GA was momentarily commandeered by a man calling himself Jorgo the Wonked. With the 2006 conviction of George Ryan fresh on people’s minds, Blagojevich easily defeated George Ryan’s Treasury Secretary, Judy Baar Topinka. She was, in fact, el chupacabra in disguise.
Fewer people in Illinois like Rod Blagojevich than people in the country like George W. Bush. His approval rating is sitting at a very firm 1. Not 1%, mind you, but actually 1, as in the only person who doesn’t think Rod Blagojevich is a complete nutcase is Rod Blagojevich. At this point, I’m willing to bet even his wife is contemplating what her life would have been like with someone a little more balanced, like Axl Rose or Charles Manson.
Rod Blagojevich allowed the phone lines in his office to be wiretapped claiming that he has nothing to hide. He then openly discussed his illicit activities over the phone lines that he knew to be tapped. He responded to the overwhelming evidence against him by declaring that he has done nothing wrong, and that he will fight, fight, fight. The people of Illinois responded by telling him, in no uncertain terms, “Hey Rod Blagojevich: No one likes you!”
Rod Blagojevich countered by sticking his fingers in his ears and declaring: “La-la-la, I can’t heeeaaarrr yooouuu!!”
His argument is that he was elected to serve the will of the people of Illinois. The people of Illinois have elected him to do a job and he will continue to do that job, even if the people of Illinois don’t want him to do it anymore. At one point, I heard one news anchor pose the question, “What’s next for the people of Illinois?”
That’s simple. We’ll find the next most insane politician in the state and make that person the governor! Isn’t that pretty much a given at this point? Who knows; we might even give Jorgo a shot at it.